Railroad Bill
by Andy Brickman
Now Railroad Bill was a hard living man
He used to take his women two at a time
And everyone agreed he was the badest engineer
That ever driven down the Santa Fe line
His name was known from the folks back home
To the tippy top of telegraph hill
And all the little boys when they were sneaking cigarettes
They used to dream about the Railroad Bill
Well one day Bill was walking along
And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree
When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder
To set that kitty cat free
Bill said no, ain't gonna do it
Ain't gonna climb up no tree
This is a stupid stupid song and no folk singer
Gonna make a fool outa me
I said one day Bill was walking along
And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree
When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder
To set that kitty cat free
Bill said no, ain't gonna do it
Ain't gonna do what you said
This is a stupid stupid song and as far as I'm concerned
That cat can stay there till it's dead
I said wait a minute Bill, you can't argue with me
For God's sake I just made you up
I got the pen in my hand, I want you up in that tree
I want that cat unstuck
Bill said no, I hate cats
ain't gonna climb for no cat
He said why don'tyou have me save a beautiful girl
Who's been tied down to the railroad tracks?
I said mayb% there'll be room in the 8th or 9th verse
But right now I want you up in that tree
I'm the writer, God Damn, I got the pen in my hand
And you'e suposed to listen to me
He said you asshole!!
Why should I listen to you, you should be listening to me instead
He said I'm a railroad man and if I was real
I'd seperate your face from your head
You ungreatful brute, I cried, you pushed me too far
I gotta show you I can do as I please
So an earthquake came and it shook the whole terrain
And it brought Railroad Bill to his knees
And then a tidal wave broke and everything got soaked
Bill was almost compleatly washed away
And then a big green monster from the planet Neptune landed
An bit Railroad Bill on the leg
I got the pen in my hand!
I can do what I want
I'm a bright new young talent on the rise
So get your ass up that tree or I swear you ain't gonna
Get out of my folk song alive
He said you don't scare me
You might be funny, but you don't scare me
And if you don't leave me alone I'm gonna tell everybody
Where you stole this melody
But before he could speak, his tongue fell out
And he could not make a sound
Suddenly he jumped on top of me and grabbed me by the neck
And pulled me to the ground
And he hit me in the stomach
And he hit me in the face real hard
I think he almost broke my nose
Just then a lightning bolt came outa nowhere
Hit him right between the eyes and killed him instantly
The cat came down from the tree, had a bowl of warm milk
Went to sleep for the night
Railraod Bill is survived by a wife and three kids
Dear God, I love to write
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